[OC Training/Story Included] Cold As Ice

The 8th task for OC-training was to show our character angry and what sets them off.

I think a bit of context is required for this one....

This is my favorite page of a six page comic script that I wrote earlier this year as a writing exercise.  NewEnglander gets full credit for the idea behind the story since he was the one who pitched the idea to me.

After ten years as a slave and gladiator, Deren finally is freed and confronts Raechel, the woman who is completely responsible for Deren being sold into slavery.  This is doubly painful since Rae was his friendly neighborhood bartender whom Deren had seen as a good friend for several years prior.

Post slave Deren doesn't show anger like normal people do.  He becomes extremely quiet and reserved, but his anger is still painfully obvious.  I honestly think that him showing his anger in this way is much scarier than him snarling and raging.

As a bonus, I'm adding in the entire original script that this page was based off of.
I do have plans to eventually rewrite it so the ending doesn't cut off so quickly, but this is the story as is for now.

Side note:  I really need to post the first part of Deren's backstory sometime.  It's already been written, but I've sort of neglected posting it.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
COLD AS ICE

 

Page 1

 

Panel 1
Raechel enters her bar before her evening shift, which is almost completely dark. 

 

Panel 2
A front view of Raechel as she takes off her coat.  A figure shrouded in shadow sits casually behind the counter with his feet propped up against it.

 

Panel 3
She looks behind her and gasps.

 

Panel 4
The shadowy figure is indeed Deren, who has a stone cold look on his face.  His gaze is so icy that it could freeze a star solid.  He swirls a small, mostly empty glass of gin in his hands.

Deren:  Hello, Raechel.

Raechel:  D-Deren?  It’s been years!  We searched for you for weeks… we all thought that you were dea-

Deren:  Stop.  Just.  Stop right there.  Don’t even bother trying to feed me your lies.

 

 

Page 2

 

Panel 1

Raechel gulps and stands at the bar counter in front of him.

Raechel:  So I take it you remember the events of that night.

Deren:  Oh yes, Raechel.  I remember that.  I remember everything from that night.

 

Panel 2

Deren grins wickedly at her.

Deren:  I also remember everything that happened to me after you sold me into slavery.

Deren:  Oh… but you probably don’t know anything about what happened to me.

Deren:  Ten years as a gladiator.  A trained murderer.

Deren:  An animal… forced to kill anyone that his “masters” told him to… just to survive.

 

Panel 3

Deren raises the glass of gin to his lips, angry eyes fixed on her the entire time.

Deren:  Hmmm… This is quite delicious.

Deren:  I’ve never been much for gin… but having no freedom for a decade really lets a man learn to appreciate the little things.  Even simple things like having a drink. 

Deren:  Hell… you wouldn’t believe that the ability to get pissed off any time that I please is even considered a luxury for me.

Raechel:  I take it you’re here for some type of revenge?

 

 

Page 3

 

Panel 1

Deren takes his feet off the counter and puts his drink on the table.

Deren:  Let me put it this way…

 

Panel 2

A closeup of Deren holding a small piece of ice between his thumb and forefinger.

Deren:  I’ve always been a homegrown boy.  Born and raised in the Alderia sector in fact.  I’ve only been off our homeworld once or twice.

Deren:  I may not know much about life beyond this planet, but I do know one thing.

Deren:  Space is bitterly cold.

 

Panel 3

A closeup of the glass as Deren drops in the ice cube.

Deren:  In fact, it is so cold that it reaches absolute zero in some places.

 

Panel 4

Deren holds up another ice cube.

Deren:  At that point, all molecular motion just… stops.

Deren:  Even at a fraction of that temperature, every fluid in our body would freeze over in a nanosecond.

 

Panel 5

He also drops that ice cube into the glass.

Deren:  But you know… as cold as space can be, I can actually think of one thing colder…

 

Panel 6

Deren smiles wickedly at her.

Deren:  Your pitiful excuse for a heart.

 

 

Page 4

 

Panel 1

Deren picks up another ice cube.

Deren:  You know… in the two months that I’ve been freed, I’ve joined the Imperial guard.  I’m good buddies with the Emperor now, and he knows everything that happened to me during my time as a slave.

Deren:  Everything.

 

 

Panel 2

He looks at the ice cube that he is holding.

Deren:  You know… I bet he wouldn’t think twice if you were to… shall we say… disappear.

Raechel:  You wouldn’t!

Deren:  Wouldn’t I?

 

Panel 3

He chuckles a little as he puts that ice cube into his glass.

Deren:  I don’t know…

Deren:  I’ve always been a firm believer in Karma.

Deren:  Maybe I should sell you into slavery for ten years or so.

Deren:  Or…

 

Panel 4

He raises his glass as if in a mocking toast.

Deren:  Maybe we should compare the temperatures of our hearts directly.

 

Page 5

 

Panel 1

Raechel crosses her arms and looks at Deren, who is in the foreground taking a long sip from his drink.

Raechel:  So what are you saying?

Deren:  After what you did to me, I wouldn’t have any problem killing you and then dumping your body in the river.  It’s not like you’d be the first sentient that I’ve killed in the past decade. (Thanks a lot for that, by the way…)

Deren:  With my connections to the Emperor… and what he knows about you… he will definitely look the other way.

 

Panel 2

Deren slams his glass on the table.  The glass is empty save for the ice cubes that he put in.

Deren:  But guess what.  I’m a bigger man than that.

Deren:  And I’m going to give you one chance and one chance only to publicly come clean.

Raechel:  Or what?  You’re not even armed…

 

Panel 3

Deren cracks his knuckles.

Deren:  Sweetheart, I was a gladiator for ten years…

Deren:  I can kill you with only my two bare hands.

Deren:  Or hell… I could be more creative than that and utilize just about anything in this room as a weapon.  I’d bet I could even throw that pool cue just like a javelin.

Deren:  I’m not even going to waste my time making threats… since after what happened between us, you know that I would kill you.

 

Panel 4

Raechel looks at him.

Raechel:  I believe that we are at an impasse then.  Since there’s no way that I’m turning myself in.

Deren:  Is that so?

Deren:  Well then, before I kill you… I need to ask.  Why did you do it?

 

Panel 5

Deren stands up from his seat, looking very intimidating.

Raechel:  The money was too good.  I mean…  the Myriad offered me a year’s salary!

Deren:  That’s it?!  You betrayed a friend for that?! 

Deren:  You destroyed my life, Raechel!  I was going to ask my girlfriend to marry me!  I was going to be her daughter’s new daddy!  I was going to have a family!  A life!  I was happy!

Deren:  And because of you, it was all taken from me!

 

Page 6

 

Panel 1

Raechel growls at him with fire in her eyes.

Raechel:  You are a pitiful excuse for a man!  Even after ten years as a fighter, you are still constantly whining…

Raechel:  … just like you always whined about the gangs and the murders ten years ago!

Deren:  That’s because unlike you, I actually have a soul!

 

Panel 2

Deren reaches into his jeans pocket.

Raechel:  I’m glad I sold you into slavery…

Raechel:  … in fact, I wish that you would have died in the arena to spare us this meeting!

Deren:  You just screwed yourself over, Raechel…

 

Panel 3

Deren slams a small recording device onto the counter.

Deren:  This has been recording the entire time…

Deren:  Not only that, but it’s directly linked to the Imperial Guards who are standing right outside the door.

Raechel:  W-what?
Cereus (off panel):  All right, we have proof of what she’s done and she can’t escape!  Now!

 

Panel 4

Cereus, Deren’s captain of the guard bursts into the room with three other Imperial Guards.  Cereus is a lightly muscled man with reddish-brown hair that is swept backwards.  He is not wearing his Guardsman Armor, but instead a uniform that looks more like that of a SWAT Team.

Cereus:  All right, Deren.  We’re going to bring this bitch that kidnapped you to justice.

Cereus:  Too bad you weren’t among our ranks at the time… we could probably nail her for high treason for attacking an Imperial Guard.  She’d fry for that!

 

Panel 5

Raechel is being put in handcuffs while Deren talks to Cereus.

Deren:  Not necessary, sir. 

Deren:  Even after all she’s done to me; I don’t wish death upon her.

Deren:  I think a few decades in jail will be more then enough.